i wanna be a robot superhero

this, of course has nothing to do with me being a three.

found out my grandpa in connecticut may have had a heart attack today. they're not totally sure yet. this would be his third i think. last time the docs said they didn't think he'd survive another one. my mom just talked to him on the phone (from the ER) and (of course) he was joking with her and acting like everything is fine. i swear he'll make light till the end. he can't walk and might have some internal bleeding. they're still doing tests.

i kinda freaked out. i haven't talked to him since last november. what do i say? yeah, still doing childcare. not using my gazillion dollar degree. not using the brain that y'all are so impressed with. i can't even write him a letter. thought about him lots tho. i think about a lot of people that i don't stay in touch with. why can't i have a little cell phone implanted in my brain that texts someone when i think about them? automatically, with no jesse-insecurity-override. that will be part of my robot powers.

didn't help that i currently have killer cramps and a monstrous tension headache. see, a robot superhero wouldn't have these pesky organs. hmm, 'cept maybe i'd have a few human organs like skin so people would still wanna cuddle with me.

i wanted to be someone he can be proud of. he was proud of me when i went to that schmancy university. probably thought i'd be a nice lawyer or doctor or at least a professor and maybe make enough money to help him not live in gov't housing. instead what am i doing? see, if i didn't have these pesky non-robot, non-superhero, human desires like wanting to be happy or having radical values, i could put up with the culture of law school. or i could put up with working the hellish jobs that could pay off my student loans. i think one of my superhero powers would be a contextual gender: depending on the context, everyone would perceive me as the most credible and intelligent human ever. my clothes would also be contextually impressive and they wouldn't cost any money.

well, at least i have friends that don't think that i'm a failure 'cause i'm crying and staying home instead of stuffing it all in and being productive. hmm, not like my body would let me do that right now anyway...but i can have robot superhero dreams can't i?

really i'm fine. everything is great. no problems here. did i mention i'm not a three?!