the haphazard house, more than just a clever name

Dear Landlord,

Thank you for your prompt response and repair of the stove circuit breaker. We really appreciate the ability to eat cooked food.

As J. mentioned over the phone, there are a few more issues with the house that we'd like to bring to your attention.

Following, listed in order of importance, are the issues faced by the house:

Gas leak: the heater downstairs is leaking gas and carbon monoxide through a vent to the outside of the house, directly below the kitchen window. It wafts through the window and gets us high while we do dishes, making the task a bit more pleasant. We contacted PSE and they certified that there is a leak. Enclosed are copies of the corresponding paperwork. Please have this repaired as soon as possible.

Water heater leak: The downstairs water heating unit is leaking one gallon of water per day (we figured this out by how quickly the bucket beneath it fills up). Please have this repaired as soon as possible.

Toilet leak: The upstairs toilet is leaking from the piping (clean water) onto the floor. We are actively catching the leaks at the moment. For some reason, our cats have become water snobs and will only drink this water now. In spite of their preference, please have this repaired as soon as possible.

Chimney: The chimney flue is stuck in one position (half-open). We think that this is because it is due for a good cleaning. Not only does our inability to close the flue make the house colder in the winter, our inability to open it makes building fires in it a hazard. Please have the chimney inspected, professionally cleaned if necessary, and the flue repaired as soon as possible. Or we will burn the house down.

Shower tiles: As you noticed the day you came by to fix the stove circuit breaker, the upstairs shower has broken and unsealed tiles, causing a leak into the room below whenever the shower is used. We have temporarily taped a plastic trash bag to the area but we would like you to repair the tiles or replace the surface at your earliest convenience. We heard a rumor that you are considering putting vinyl over the broken tiles and this does not meet our aesthetic standards.

Downspouts: Multiple downspouts around the house leak badly when it rains, especially along the walkway. Although we thoroughly cleaned out the gutters this fall, they often overflow. We were confounded by their shallowness and are baffled why someone would install gutters like that in ::clearing throat:: SEATTLE. We've noticed that the downspouts are corroding and detaching from the roof. We would like you to replace the downspouts at your earliest convenience. We are also excited about the possibility of starting a greywater system. A friend gave us a rain barrel to catch rainwater for use in the garden. In order to install the rain barrel properly, it must be fitted to a downspout (we are thinking the southeast corner of the house). So we would like to work with you when you replace them so that we can install the rain barrel as well.

Black Mold: In the southwest corner of the house (B.'s room), we have noticed the growth of black mold on the wall. After repeated cleanings with bleach, the mold magically reappears (even when we're sober). Last winter, this same problem happened in the southeast room (we thought it was an isolated incident). We think that the problem is poor insulation, particularly the old windows causing dampness on the walls. Several of the windows in the house (including B.'s room) often fog up and have condensation on the inside when it is cold outside. We have done our best to insulate the house for winter including sealing the doors (with bike tubes) and covering the windows (with old blankets and t-shirts sewn together). We would appreciate it if you would look into this problem and consider adding additional insulation to the house and replacing some windows if necessary.

Maggots falling from the ceiling: in the kitchen and in the upstairs southwest room (B.'s), maggot-like worms have been spotted falling from the ceiling into our food. We have captured two of them in a jar (after an arduous chase), if you'd like to see them. At first we guessed that they were in the kitchen because of improperly sealed food but after finding one in a bedroom, we are concerned that it is a problem with the house (and we're not that messy). We know that you may not be able to take a specific action at this time, but we wanted to let you know in case it becomes a bigger problem. Like the house being eaten from the inside out.

Phew, that was everything but the kitchen sink!!

Please let us know how you plan on addressing these concerns. You may call us at the house number, but if no one answers please do not leave a message as our machine is broken (or only likes loud people). If we are not home, please call J. (feel free to leave a message on his voice mail).


Hugs,

The Haphazard House

Enclosed:
PSE gas leak form


P.S. Oh wait, the kitchen sink is busted too: The enamel coating on the kitchen sink is badly chipped from normal wear and tear. Not only is there a risk of paint chips in our food, but water can soak into the porcelain and cause permanent damage. Please have the sink refinished at your earliest convenience.